Do not praise intelligence or empty effort, praise learning
Most parents nowadays have heard about the importance of
helping children grow by praising
effort instead of intelligence. I’ve been reflecting upon that topic and
reading some articles that have refined my perspective and I want to share that
with you. We need to praise learning,
not just effort, and definitively not intelligence.
The dangers of praising intelligence
I was always a straight “A” student and my parents were always
very supportive and loving. Yet it was not uncommon for me as a child, and still
now as an adult, to get into severe depressions often triggered by one particular
reason: failure to achieve something.
You see I grew accustomed to success, at least academically, and every
time I “failed”, which in my world was to get a “B”, I was devastated. My
parents tried to help me and never made a big deal out of my failures, on the
contrary. My mom in fact always emphasized my grades were not important and
often told me (and she meant it) that I could take vacations from school
whenever I wanted, she never pressured me to do better because there was no
need to, I was my own worst critic.
Why did it feel so terrible to “fail”? I now know the answer:
Because if I failed that meant I was no longer “intelligent”, it meant that something
was wrong with me. Back then I think people
didn’t know better and it was common to praise intelligence. Everyone around
me, my parents included, always praised me for being “intelligent”, for being
able to solve or achieve tasks relatively easy compared to others, so I grew
accustomed to that and when I encountered failure I wasn’t prepared to handle
it. My world crumbled and I was engulfed with extreme anxiety whenever I failed. Praising intelligence can indeed lead to that
very behavior and there is plenty of literature that elaborates on
that. I don’t fault my parents at all, I
know they always tried to do what was best for me and my brother, so mom, dad,
if you are reading this, I love you. Keep on reading for the happy ending 😉
Praising effort is better, but not empty effort
Ok, so praising children for being “intelligent” is clearly
not the way to go. So we should praise effort instead right? Yes, but not
just any effort. The pendulum has swung
too far and now its common to praise children for every little effort they do.
There are “participation” trophies (really?) and parents and teachers seem to
over-praise even the slightest of efforts. This can
too lead to problems down the line because children grow used to receive praise
for everything and they become overly sensitive to criticism, even if
constructive.
Here is an example of how I think I incorrectly praised the effort
of one of my kids. He attends soccer classes and one time he was very upset because he didn’t score any
goals on a game, and I told him “that is ok, you won’t score every time, it
happens, just the fact that you are here in the class and trying is good”. A few
classes down the line I noticed him a bit laggy on the field, he was in good health and after the class I asked him “what’s
up, you don’t seem to be doing your best effort” and he responded “I’m here and
trying, that is good enough right?”. I
was mad, mostly at me because I helped create that situation. We had a conversation and agreed that if he was
going to remain in soccer class (he attends because he wants to) that I
would like to see him doing the best effort he could, every time, and really
try to improve his skills. He got the
message and now invariably comes out sweating like crazy and not scoring goals
no longer bothers him, though he sure tries hard and I praise him for that.
The same type of technique works for more “cerebral” tasks. Another of my kids is learning basic math and was
terrified of trying and failing in front of mom and dad. We praised her efforts
and when she got to solve a few challenges we didn’t praise her as intelligent,
even though she does seem to have an easy time once she gets rolling. We always
praise her effort and try to focus on what she learned. Still working on it
though, I need to mellow a bit more and work on my patience as I do come across as strict quite often
which is probably why I don’t help to convey that is ok to fail, that its ok to
take risks and try. What can I say, I
have a naturally stern look :P
Praise efforts that lead to growth and learning
Ok, praising empty efforts indiscriminately isn’t good
either so what should you praise? By now you probably guessed where I’m heading.
You need to focus your praise on efforts that lead to growth and learning, pay special attention to efforts that lead to learning via failures. Failure is indeed the best teacher of them
all and it is incredibly hard for children to embrace that philosophy if you
don’t help them build that mindset from a young age.
In case this isn’t clear, yes, you must encourage and praise
efforts that lead to failures too, but in a way that leads to self-improvement.
For example, you shouldn’t reward your kids for doing a continuously lousy job
at math exercises, but you should praise them for doing an effort to improve
and learn. If something doesn’t go the
way they wanted, ask them “ok, that didn’t work, but what did you learn? What other
ways/steps can you think about to make progress next time?”, observe what they
say and praise when you see a genuine effort to improve.
So, yes, praise effort but, more importantly, praise learning,
during success, and even more importantly, when failure happens. And do not, please do not, praise intelligence,
and if you do so, perhaps inadvertently, always ensure that you course correct
and add an effort and LEARNING emphasis in your praise.
Every child is unique, make sure you adapt to fit their individual needs. Some kids do need a more gentle approach while others benefit from challenging them more.
The happy ending
To this day, even after knowing what I know, I still
struggle to handle failure, both as an individual and as a parent. People that
I care deeply about also frequently fail and encourage the wrong angles, for
example they still praise intelligence instead of effort.
How is that a happy ending you ask? Well, because the
failures of others and my own failures are leading me and my family to grow and
I now see that, I embrace it and channel it for good. We don’t always get it
right but that is ok, if we learn that is the most important thing. This very article is proof of that; I learned
and grew writing it and hopefully after you read it you learned and grew a bit
too; and that, my friends, is worth praising 😉
Good job! and thank you for learning with me.
Comments